The only way your baby isn’t coming naturally is if you give birth through your ear canal.
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want…I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career.
My life as a professional career person at an actual workplace seems like a hazy dream that’s slowly faded over time. I don’t have a long career as a parent, in the words of The Carpenters, I’ve only just begun. Still, parenting years is calculated in dog years. After I add the sick moments, the sleepless nights, the tantrums and the chaos, my four years of parenting is really more like 28 years of parenting–minus the teen years. There’s a nasty rumor going around that time period actually quadruples your years. [Read more...]
Hormones are what make it all happen during pregnancy. Different hormones are responsible for your onset of crying, rage, then more crying. For no reason. Or stupid reasons, like your ice cream is too hard to scoop. Hormones are responsible for your ability to throw up more times than a room full of college co-eds on New Years Eve. And they’re responsible for the ability to smell a turkey sandwich, from across the street. Then puke some more. [Read more...]
By the time your due date rolls around, you’ll have about two extra pounds of boobage. Maybe this is super exciting for you, as you’ve never been past a “Nearly B-Cup.” Perhaps it’s distressing to you because you were a B cup when you were six-years-old and by the time you got to high school, they were large enough to terrorize a city in Japan.
These are basically presents that partners give to mothers to mark the occasion of giving birth to their child. Nothing says: Thanks for forever changing your bladder capacity like a diamond necklace.
I don’t recall this school business being a part of the: “So you want to have a baby contract.” It was it in the fine print, wasn’t it? The stuff no one reads in between: “No sleep for 12 years” and “teaching toddlers to share?”
4. Ice Pack Maxi Pads
You snap them like an ice pack, toss them into your fabulous mesh underpants and get instant relief from muscles that probably did more work than the Roman Army did for the 600-700 years it was really running the show.
We both stood and looked down at the chunk of fingernail I no longer had on my middle finger.
Husband: I don’t know how you do this stuff.
Me: I’m going to need more than one band-aid. Probably the gauzey-type stuff and some tape. [Read more...]
Q: When you look in your baby’s eyes, does all the pain and suffering just melt away like in the movies?
A: No. The first time I looked in my baby’s eyes, I was kind of terrified. Both times.