Our family has a collection of ridiculous attempts at capturing moments in time. Six of those moments have my husband’s left hand in them. Two have his shoe. Taking the right photos of small children is all about timing. Mine, apparently, is almost always off. It’s next to impossible to photograph my toddlers. At least 90 percent of my photos are a blurry streak. The other ten percent are of them smearing food in their hair.
When this happened. [Read more…]
Since my torso isn’t even 22 inches long, we can only assume that this baby was a contortionist for 40 weeks. Unless my uterus has secret pockets that offer extra leg room, this baby was living in accommodations as confining as every row on an airplane that isn’t the emergency exit row. And really, does that row even offer that much more leg room?
I think it’s safe to say that everyone in the delivery room was surprised that I delivered a 9 pound 7 ounce baby. Even the baby was surprised. Here are ten of the best comments I heard after he arrived: [Read more…]
Shopping Cart Seat Cover
I bought one because it was going to keep my second daughter from ever getting sick. It was the grocery shopping cart equivalent to a plastic bubble. My husband said it was weird, and we’d never use it. I agreed it was weird, but I swore to the gods of alternative sanitizers that I would use the heck out of it. I’d laugh in the face of common colds as my infant, and I raced up the grocery store aisles, carelessly tossing items into the back of the cart. . .
There’s still a large misconception that the role of the modern housewife is the same as it was in previous centuries. Like Madonna, the modern housewife has reinvented herself over the years. Most of us with our clothes on. Some with a cone bra.
Limited bladder space. You don’t know frequent peeing until your baby’s head is testing the limits of your bladder. It’s only during this time that one truly appreciates the strength of an internal organ. Based on the laws of physics my bladder should be as flat as a pancake by now, and as useful as a whoopee cushion with a hole in it.
I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, and I don’t always stop to think about little things and big things I don’t notice or ones I take for granted. This year, I’m thankful for:
When we went to Hobby lobby and they had shopping carts that made them both look and feel ginormous. [Read more…]
We have chosen to give birth at the labor and delivery ward of [hospital’s name] and hopefully not in the toy section at Walmart, or in my neighbor’s car. We’re requesting your help in remembering the goals listed below as we haven’t remembered anything since the birth of our first child.
1. Kate Parlin, Writer at Shakespeare’s Mom, Non-Morning-Person, and Mom of Three
7:15 Check to make sure the twins have extra underwear in their backpacks. They don’t. They do have a plastic eggplant and an acorn…
2. Rachel Cashen, First-Time-Mom of a Newborn Baby
7:00 Shower at warp speed, thinking I hear baby screaming the whole time. Turns out it was auditory hallucinations due to lack of sleep…
3. Katie, A Working Mom and writer at Mom in Leggings
7:30 Clothes are on. Hand her tooth brush, while I start going after her snarled hair with a comb. Two-year-old decides to brush bathroom mirror with her toothbrush. Then decides to brush the faucet with her toothbrush…
4. Christina, A Mediocre Housewife
6:00 Kids jump in our bed then fight over who gets to lay on the left side of Daddy. Daddy escapes into the shower and leaves both girls who are now fighting over who gets the right corner of a blanket…
This winter, spring, summer and fall toddlers everywhere are wearing nothing and everything. Sometimes at the same time. In layers. The distinctive and colorful hand printed techniques that cover their hair and face shout “youth” as they stand front and center while jumping on the dining room table.
Here are a few of this year’s biggest toddler inspired fashion hits: [Read more…]
It’s approximately 92,960,000 miles from Earth to the sun. That’s about four miles less than the distance between you and anything you drop on the floor during the final weeks of pregnancy.
Picking my kids up from preschool
Never are my kids more excited to see me than when I pick them up from the educational prison I dropped them off at x amount of hours before. For about twelve seconds, I’m a celebrity.
A pregnant woman spends 10 out of 10 doctor visits washing her hands because of urine samples. Peeing in urine sample cups after 36 weeks should be an Olympic event. The sheer amount of skill, and patience that it takes to get anything inside this cup would have to be the result of years of dedicated training.
The trouble with this is the size of a third-trimester belly and the actual lack of size of this cup. It’s like trying to get a single drop of urine on the head of a pin with a blindfold on. The art of cup peeing dates back to whenever they discovered that: