I’ve used the cat to wipe water spills off the floor.
10. I can’t feel my bladder anymore.
11. My pelvis hurts inside out.
12. My water just broke.
It’s the only day of the year where it’s perfectly acceptable to stuff your face with crap for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Except for the purpose of stuffing your face with crap.
Myth: Heartburn means your baby will have a lot of hair.
This is only true if your baby’s hair is so thick; it’s causing your entire stomach to move up your esophagus. And it’s on fire.
The end of the world has been coming for a long time. Now that the much anticipated Mayan calendar theory has been totally debunked by us all not dying, we can focus our sights on either the apocalypse via massive nuclear war or zombies.
The increase of natural disasters like frequent earthquakes and tsunamis caused by global warming, or my cat leaning too far off the couch, make one consider what exactly is going on. What would we do if the world came to an end? Sending us into a post-apocalyptic scenario like the book of Eli or Water World—except Kevin Costner wouldn’t be there with his creepy flipper fins. Or maybe he would, I’ve never seen his feet.
In the event of a dire emergency, here are a few things my family would pack:
Cupcakes and chocolate.
They would ask to play outside. However, their list of things to pack is probably pretty comparable to this.
Wet Cat Food and those stupid foil balls they only chew on at three in the morning, while I’m trying to sleep.
Evidently we all have our priorities, none of which includes surviving.
At the rate my family packs we’d never make it out the door before the apocalypse, because we never leave on time.
I start packing three weeks in advance because I’m crazy. My children and I are already in the car waiting 48 hours before we even need to leave. My husband, however, starts a home improvement project every time we’re scheduled to go anywhere. We can all be ready to leave, and he’ll say he needs to get something, or lock the back door. Forever and a half later I find him in the house tearing the tile off the counter because maybe after we get back we’ll want to consider redoing them. Meanwhile, zombies are flooding our yard, and he’s handing everyone tools because hey, if you’re here you might as well help out.
The good news is it’s not too likely we’ll have a zombie apocalypse anytime soon. But then, what do I know? If the end of the world is near and I’m electing to only bring cupcakes and cookies, it’s not likely I’ll be prepared anyway. I will, however, be ready to leave 48 hours before hand.
6. Pelvic Pressure and Round Ligament Pain.
The dynamic duo strikes again, this time with double the force since this baby is sitting so low. Really, I’m surprised I haven’t seen a hand yet. Or a thumb. As for the ligament pain, it tends to happen only when I sit on the floor. And sitting on the floor tends to only happen when I absolutely MUST wear socks.
3. Your balloons are orange, black and: “It’s a girl.”
I’m thankful we have a gestation period of only 40 weeks, versus the 92 that elephants endure. After 92 days, I’d be giving birth to a baby that would be physically capable of crawling out of my uterus.
The only way your baby isn’t coming naturally is if you give birth through your ear canal.
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want…I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career.
My life as a professional career person at an actual workplace seems like a hazy dream that’s slowly faded over time. I don’t have a long career as a parent, in the words of The Carpenters, I’ve only just begun. Still, parenting years is calculated in dog years. After I add the sick moments, the sleepless nights, the tantrums and the chaos, my four years of parenting is really more like 28 years of parenting–minus the teen years. There’s a nasty rumor going around that time period actually quadruples your years. [Read more...]